The Madness of King Donald

BY MAX BURBANK | My, but it’s been a busy week! So much has happened! As Trump himself eloquently put it, “This is going to lead to more and more and more.” It’s difficult to pick a place to start and end up at the point I want to make. Bear with me. I’m gonna skip around a bit.

Illustration by Max Burbank

Okay, there’s this president. And his administration is being actively investigated for collusion with Russia, which you can’t forget for even a second, because he’s made “No collusion!” the biggest catchphrase since everyone in your middle school was hiking up their pants Urkel-style, and whining, “Did I do that?” And he’s on his way to Toronto for the G7 summit — this president, not Uriel — but first, he takes a moment to let the press know he wants Russia — the country he’s accused of colluding with — readmitted to the group. Why? Because, “You know, whether you like it or not, and it may not be politically correct, but we have a world to run.” Now maybe the “we” in this sentence doesn’t mean him and Russia, except it totally does. Who the hell else could it mean?

Russia. The country that got kicked out of the group for violently annexing the Crimea, annoyingly forcing everyone in the G8 to change their business cards and stationery back to G7. Since then, Russia shot down a passenger plane killing 300 people, went on a European poisoning spree, and “meddled” (a harmless word, as if Putin is Scooby-Doo) in our election, which makes it seem the teeniest bit sketchy for Trump to demand the G7 let Russia back in because they “have a world to run.” You have to wonder (and many are): What does Russia have on this guy?

So hold that thought. Put a pin in it.

Let’s jump back a bit, to the beginning of the month. The president’s lawyer, Rudy “America’s Terrifying Reptilian Mayor with Anger Management Issues” Giuliani, argued that Trump could shoot former FBI Director James Comey in the Oval Office and not be indicted for it while serving as president. “In no case,” said Giuliani, “can he be subpoenaed or indicted. I don’t know how you can indict while he’s in office. No matter what it is.” Italics added by me, to indicate how super creepy that last sentence is. Now you know Giuliani didn’t come up with that example on his own. I mean, look at him. The man has a single elephant testicle with glasses and ten-dollar Walmart dentures where most people have a human head. That idea had to have come from a conversation with Trump.

Jump back further to January 23, 2016, those halcyon, fairy tale days when Trump was never going to be president. At a campaign rally, Trump said, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, ok? It’s, like, incredible.”

You have to conclude that Trump wants to whack a guy. He’s always seen himself as a mob boss in a direct-to-video gangster flick. On his best day, Trump is woefully ignorant of basic civics. He has no understanding of the branches of government and what presidents can and can’t do. He thought being president would make him king and he’d get to shoot somebody

On his worst day? I think he imagined the presidency would be Aladdin’s lamp and come with a wish-granting genie. He thought he’d be driving real big trucks whenever he wanted, eating buckets of KFC atop the world’s tallest mountain of KFC and singing “A Whole New World” while soaring over the capital with porn stars on an enchanted carpet. Instead, he has to see Mike Pence almost every day. Small wonder he’s up all night rage tweeting!

Illustration by Max Burbank

Trump’s gnawing disappointment in the reality of his job is key to the “what does Russia have on Trump” question. It’s unanswerable, because it’s the wrong question. Oh, they have stuff; emails, wiretaps, very unpleasant videos, but he doesn’t care about that. He’s constitutionally incapable of shame and totally comfortable lying in the face of incontrovertible proof. You can’t blackmail him, and he honestly believes he’s above the law, so he thinks no one can punish him, either. It’s not what Russia can do to him. It’s what they can do for him.

Russia is Trump’s magical genie. They gave him money when no one else in the world would. Scooby-Putin helped put him in a position to establish his own personal kleptocracy, a pipeline running straight from the treasury to his ridiculous branding empire, a business that now doesn’t even have to pretend to do anything.

It’s been said Trump has grown as a person less in office than any president, but I disagree. Putin taught him to put away childish things. He’s not waiting for a magic carpet ride or a few paltry murders. He has a new dream, one that he’s seen evidence can be achieved in reality. And he’s made a new friend.

To hell with our backstabbing, so-called allies; the Canadians, threatening our national security with their insidious dairy and soft timber mafia, the French trying to fool you with their pretty parades, but then shake your hand so hard it LEAVES A VISIBLE MARK! The British and the Germans with their scary LADY LEADERS, who don’t have the common decency to be even a seven on his “Hot Lady” list, let alone a 10!

Shirtless equestrian enthusiast Vladimir Putin was alluring and impressive, a great role model — but that was puppy love. There’s a new man in town and, like Trump, he knows the importance of iconic hair. A month ago they were swapping insults and trading threats of nuclear annihilation — but it was always more of a “will they or won’t they” Ross ‘n’ Rachel-type deal.

Trump finally gets he’ll never be a king. But with a little midterm assistance from some meddling, computer nerd tovarisches, a complicit Republican Congress, and a 5-4 Supreme Court? He might yet be a Dear Leader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *