This is NOT a holiday events roundup

Get your Ho, Ho, Ho’s somewhere else

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Secret Santa’s got nothing on the juicy tidbits unearthed by average, unassuming Agnes. When she accesses the Dungeons & Dragons notebook of her recently deceased (and “totally weird”) sister Tilly, Agnes is plunged into a world of hostile fairies, randy ogres, action/adventure violence and pop culture references. “She Kills Monsters” seems like a rock solid antidote to the relentless onslaught of satire-free saccharine that must be endured from Thanksgiving to New Year’s.

Playwright Qui Nguyen and director Robert Ross Parker (the team behind Vampire Cowboys) bring their distinguished track record of comic book theater triumphs to the proceedings — with capable assistance from The Flea Theater’s resident acting ensemble (The Bats). Geek Freak Bonus: Casey Jex Smith’s Dungeons & Dragons-inspired art exhibit “Doomslayers” will be on display in the lobby before the show.

Through Dec. 23; Tues.-Sat. at 7pm, Sat. & Sun. at 3pm. At The Flea Theater (41 White St., btw. Church & Broadway). For tickets ($25), call 212-352-3101 or visit theflea.org. Tues. shows are pay-what-you-can (one ticket per person; subject to availability at door only; Sat. matinees are $10). Visit vampirecowboys.com.

BARTITSU WORKSHOP

What a difference the presence, or absence, of one little lower case “t” makes — especially when it comes to the long-lost (but recently revived) martial art of Bartitsu. British engineer Edward Barton-Wright created the unique form of self defense based on his time spent studying Ju Jutsu in Japan. Once back in London, he added elements of the French la canne method of stick defense, savate (French kickboxing) and British “scientific” pugilism. In 1899, Barton-Wright opened the Bartitsu Academy of Arms and Physical Culture in London.

Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan Doyle namedropped the skill in one of his Sherlock Holmes books, but incorrectly described it as “baritsu.” All these years later, the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie (a sequel) stars Robert Downey Jr. as a manly man whose frequent use of athleticism and combat skills has more to do with Holmes’ original literary description and less to do with the older, intellectual detective we’re used to seeing.

Want to be part of the emerging Victorian Mixed Martial Arts superhero craze? Then attend a workshop taught by The Bartitsu Club of New York City and The New York Nineteenth Century Society. You’ll also learn the ins and outs of this lost art — plus gain valuable insights regarding how to replace the Bartitsu tools of old (common 19th century items such as snuff boxes and walking sticks) with modern accessories/weapons such as cell phones and water bottles! A brave new world of self-defense in the face of unprovoked confrontation awaits!

Sun., Dec. 18, from 2-5pm. At The Society for Martial Arts Instruction (4 W. 18th St., btw. 5th & 6th Aves.). Suggested donation: $10. At 4pm, renowned historic martial arts expert Mark P. Donnelly will offer instruction and commentary via Skype. For more info, visit nycsteampunk.com/bartitsu, nineteenthcenturysociety.org and sfmai.org.

!BADASS! BURLESQUE PRESENTS “BREAK ON THROUGH: A DOORS DESIRE!”

Sex? Danger? Poetry? Death? The Doors had it all — served up with melancholy and menace by frontman Jim Morrison. The Lizard King’s downbeat charisma has never been equaled, and isn’t invoked by others nearly as much as it should be. James Habacker gives it a stab, though, when he hosts “Break on Through: A Doors Desire.” It’s the December installment of Velocity Chyaldd’s nubile young monthly series, “!Badass! Burlesque.”

Amidst the splendor of psychedelic visuals, good vibes and dreamy Doors raffle prizes, Habacker and Chyaldd welcome Google-search-worthy guest performers Darlinda just Darlinda, Bambi the Mermaid, Madame Rosebud, Dame Cuchifrita, Stormy Leather, The Flying Fox, Deity Delgado, Minnie Tonka, Legs Malone, Bunny Love, Payje Flash, Ekaterina and Jo Boobs.

Sat., Dec. 17, from 11pm-3am. At Theater80 (80 St. Marks Place. Tickets are $15 at the door (doors open at 10pm). Drinks available for purchase at the adjoining William Barnacle’s Tavern. For info, call 212-388-0388 or visit badassburlesque.com.

AMORE OPERA PRESENTS “THE BARBER OF SEVILLE”

With “The Marriage of Figaro” and the American premiere of Mercadante’s “I due Figaro” already under their third season belt, Amore Opera’s Fall Figaro Fest concludes with Rossini’s “The Barber of Seville.” Amore promises their production (with full orchestra) will enchant and amuse — in English and Italian! Maestro Richard Owen (former resident conductor at Deutsche Oper am Rhein and Duesseldorf Symphony in Germany, and current cover conductor at the New York Philharmonic) returns to Amore to take the baton.

Through December. Thurs.-Sat, at 7:30pm; Wed., Dec. 28 also at 7:30pm; Sun., Dec. 18, 2:30pm. The “Opera-in-Brief” series features “The Kid’s Barber of Seville” at 11:30am on Thurs, Dec. 29 and Sat., Dec. 31. “Hansel & Gretel” is performed on Sat., Dec. 17 and Wed., Dec. 28 at 11:30am & 3pm. At the Connelly Theater (220 E. 4th St.). For tickets ($40; $30 for students, seniors; $15 for the Opera-in-Brief shows), call 866-811-4111 or visit amoreopera.org. The New Year’s Eve Gala (on Sat., Dec. 31, at 7:30pm) includes hors d’oeuvres and champagne before the show, dinner and desert during the intermissions and a champagne toast at Midnight. A concert featuring the talent of Amore Opera will be presented after the show. Tickets are $125.

—   BY SCOTT “BAH, HUMBUG!” STIFFLER

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